by Dale Carnegie
On Criticism
- Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
- The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.
- Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it, But why not begin with yourself?
- When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
- Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
- Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.
On giving appreciation
- The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
- There is only one way to get anybody to do anything. And that is by making them want to do it.
- John Dewey, one of America’s most profound philosophers said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.”
On seeing the other person’s point of view
- Influence other people talking about what they want and showing them how to get it.
- “If there is any one secret of success,” said Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
- Thousands of salespeople are pounding the pavements today, tired, discouraged and underpaid. Why? Because they are always thinking only of what they want. They don’t realize that neither you nor I want to buy anything. If we did, we would go out and buy it. But both of us are eternally interested in solving our problems. And if salespeople can show us how their services or merchandise will help us solve our problems, they won’t need to sell us. We’ll buy. And customers like to feel that they are buying – not being sold. Yet many salespeople spend a lifetime selling without seeing things from the customer’s angle.
Become genuinely interested in other people
- You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
- Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
- If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
- Greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
- Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.
Smile
- Greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp.
- Preserve a right mental attitude – the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer.
- Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it.
The importance of a person’s name
- We should be aware of the magic contained in a person’s name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others.
- Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
On interacting/communicating
- The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
- Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create goodwill, and make the other person listen attentively? Yes? All right. Here it is: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
- Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
- An effective way to correct others’ mistakes is to call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Eg. Charles Schwab was passing through one of his steel mills one day at noon when he came across some of his employees smoking. Immediately above their heads was a sign that said “No Smoking.” Did Schwab point to the sign and say, “Can’t you read.? Oh, no not Schwab. He walked over to the men, handed each one a cigar, and said, “I’ll appreciate it, boys, if you will smoke these on the outside.”
- Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
- If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
- Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.
- In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing – and keep on emphasizing – the things on which you agree.
- It’s bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people. It’s wiser to make suggestions – and let the other person think out the conclusion.
- Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
- Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
- Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Instead, try to understand them.
- Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
- It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
- When a person makes a mistake or blunder, when you need to fire an employee, etc. do it with grace. Instead of berating the person, encourage him and make him believe in himself. Let him save face.
- No one likes to take orders. Eg, Instead of saying, “Do this or do that,” or “Don’t do this or don’t do that,” say, “You might consider this.”
On praise and encouragement
- Spur people on to success. A few words of praise can sharply change a person’s entire future.
- Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere – not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.
- If you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.
- Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
- Use encouragement. Make faults seem easy to correct.
- Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
Disclaimer: The key points of the book presented here are not a substitute for reading the book. To get the entire holistic message the author has offered requires reading the book.
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