The Courage To Be Disliked

by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

Subjective World

  • None of us live in an objective world, but instead in a subjective world that we ourselves have given meaning to.
  • Well water stays at pretty much the same temperature all year round, at about 18 degrees. That is an objective number— it stays the same to everyone who measures it. But when you drink the water in the summer, it seems cool, and when you drink the same water in the winter, it seems warm. Even though it’s the same water, at the same 18 degrees according to the thermometer, the way it seems depends on whether it’s summer or winter. That’s what it means to live in your subjective world.
  • The issue is not about how the world is, but about how you are.
  • We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.

The Courage to be Happy

  • Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn’t that you lack competence. You just lack courage. One might say you are lacking in the courage to be happy.
  • We determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to our past experiences.
  • When we try to change our lifestyles, we put our great courage to the test. There is the anxiety generated by changing, and the disappointment attendant to not changing.
  • No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on. That you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life.
  • You are the only one who can change yourself.
  • We can live only in the here and now. Our lives exist only in moments.

Interpersonal Relationships

  • All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.
  • A lot of people think that the more friends you have the better. There’s no value at all in the number of friends or acquaintances you have. What we should be thinking about is the distance and depth of the relationship.
  • Relationships in which people restrict each other eventually fall apart.
  • When one can think, ‘Whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely’, one can really feel love.
  • In relationships between lovers or married couples, there are times when, after a certain point, one becomes exasperated with everything one’s partner says or does. For instance, she doesn’t care for the way he eats; his slovenly appearance at home fills her with revulsion, and even his snoring sets her off. Even though until a few months ago, none of it had ever bothered her before. The person feels this way because at some stage, she has resolved to herself, I want to end this relationship, and she has been looking around for the material with which to end it. The other person hasn’t changed at all. It is her own goal that has changed.
  • Intervening in other people’s tasks and taking on other people’s tasks turns one’s life into something heavy and full of hardship. Discard other people’s tasks. That is the first step toward lightening the load and making life simpler.
  • What another person thinks of you—if they like you or dislike you—that is that person’s task, not yours.
  • You think, I’ve got that boss, so I can’t work. But it’s really, I don’t want to work, so I’ll create an awful boss, or I don’t want to acknowledge my incapable self, so I’ll create an awful boss.
  • When reading a book, if one brings one’s face too close to it, one cannot see anything. In the same way, forming good interpersonal relationships requires a certain degree of distance. When the distance gets too small and people become stuck together, it becomes impossible to even speak to each other. But the distance must not be too great, either. Parents who scold their children too much become mentally very distant. When this happens, the child can no longer even consult the parents, and the parents can no longer give the proper assistance. One should be ready to lend a hand when needed, but not encroach on the person’s territory. It is important to maintain this kind of moderate distance.
  • If you are afraid to have confidence in others, in the long run, you will not be able to build deep relationships with anyone.
  • Living in fear of one’s relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one is living for other people.
  • To live one’s life trying to gauge other people’s feelings and being worried about how they look at you is a very unfree way to live. Now, why are you choosing such an unfree way to live? You are using the term ‘desire for recognition’, but what you are really saying is that you don’t want to be disliked by anyone.
  • Freedom is being disliked by other people.
  • Other people are not living to satisfy your expectations.
  • When one person praises another, the goal is ‘to manipulate someone who has less ability than you’. It is not done out of gratitude or respect.
  • When receiving praise becomes one’s goal, one is choosing a way of living that is in line with another person’s system of values.
  • Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgement from another person as ‘good’. And the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person’s yardstick. If receiving praise is what one is after, one will have no choice but to adapt to that person’s yardstick and put the brakes on one’s own freedom. ‘Thank you’, on the other hand, rather than being judgement, is a clear expression of gratitude. When one hears words of gratitude, one knows that one has made a contribution to another person.
  • One simply has to focus on what one can change, rather than on what one cannot. This is what I call self-acceptance.
  • For a human being, the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself.
  • A well-planned life is not something to be treated as necessary or unnecessary, as it is impossible.
  • It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage.
  • It is when one is able to feel I am beneficial to the community that one can have a true sense of one’s worth.
  • When you are looking at another person on the level of his acts, i.e. that person ‘did something’, from that point of view, it might seem that bedridden old people are only a nuisance, and are of no use to anyone. So, let’s look at other people not on the ‘level of acts’, but on the ‘level of being’. Without judging whether or not other people did something, one rejoices in their being there, in their very existence, and one calls out to them with words of gratitude.
  • We are of use to others and have worth just by being here.
  • Just by being alive, you would be supporting the psychological state of you and your family, and would therefore be of use.
  • One has to stop being attached to the ‘I’ and make the switch to ‘concern for others’.
  • Self-affirmation is making suggestions to oneself, such as ‘I can do it’ or ‘I am strong’, even when something is simply beyond one’s ability. It is a notion that can bring about a superiority complex, and may even be termed a way of living in which one lies to oneself. With self-acceptance, on the other hand, if one cannot do something, one is simply accepting ‘one’s incapable self’ as is, and moving forward so that one can do whatever one can. It is not a way of lying to oneself. To put it more simply, say you’ve got a score of sixty per cent, but you tell yourself I just happened to get unlucky this time around, and the real me is one hundred per cent. That is self-affirmation. By contrast, if one accepts oneself as one is, as sixty per cent, and thinks to oneself, How should I go about getting closer to one hundred per cent?—that is self-acceptance.

Inferiority and Superiority

  • The pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases, but stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth. If it is not used in the wrong way, the feeling of inferiority, too, can promote striving and growth.
  • A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others, but from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.
  • One makes a show of being on good terms with a powerful person (broadly speaking—it could be anyone from the leader of your school class to a famous celebrity). And by doing that, one lets it be known that one is special. Behaviours like misrepresenting one’s work experience or excessive allegiance to particular brands of clothing are forms of giving authority, and probably also have aspects of the superiority complex. In each case, it isn’t that the ‘I’ is actually superior or special. It is only that one is making the ‘I’ look superior by linking it to authority. In short, it’s a fabricated feeling of superiority.
  • There’s the kind of person who likes to boast about his achievements. Someone who clings to his past glory, and is always recounting memories of the time when his light shone brightest. Maybe you know some people like this. All such people can be said to have superiority complexes.
  • Those who go so far as to boast about things out loud actually have no confidence in themselves.
  • Why is it necessary to be special? Probably because one cannot accept one’s normal self. And it is precisely for this reason that when being especially good becomes a lost cause, one makes the huge leap to being specially bad—the opposite extreme.
  • Being normal is not being incapable. One does not need to flaunt one’s superiority.

Children

  • In our culture, weakness can be quite strong and powerful. In fact, if we were to ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated. The baby rules over the adults with his weakness. And it is because of this weakness that no one can control him.
  • Instead of treating the child like an adult, or like a child, one must treat them like a human being. One should interact with the child with sincerity, as another human being just like oneself.
  • Children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges.
  • Intervening in other people’s tasks is essentially an egocentric way of thinking. Parents force their children to study; they meddle in their life and marriage choices. That is nothing other than an egocentric way of thinking.

Competition and Power Struggle

  • Life is not a competition. It’s enough to just keep moving in a forward direction, without competing with anyone. And, of course, there is no need to compare oneself with others.
  • When one is conscious of competition and victory and defeat, it is inevitable that feelings of inferiority will arise. Because one is constantly comparing oneself to others and thinking, I beat that person or I lost to that person.
  • When you feel genuinely angry due to another person’s words or behaviour, please consider that the person is challenging you to a power struggle.
  • When you are challenged to a fight, and you sense that it is a power struggle, step down from the conflict as soon as possible. Do not answer his action with a reaction. That is the only thing we can do.
  • No matter how much you might think you are right, try not to criticise the other party on that basis. This is an interpersonal relationship trap that many people fall into.
  • The moment one is convinced that ‘I am right’ in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle.
  • The rightness of one’s assertions has nothing to do with winning or losing. If you think you are right, regardless of what other people’s opinions might be, the matter should be closed then and there. However, many people will rush into a power struggle, and try to make others submit to them. And that is why they think of ‘admitting a mistake’ as ‘admitting defeat’.
  • When you’re hung up on winning and losing, you lose the ability to make the right choices.
  • There are two objectives for behaviour: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. Then, the objectives for the psychology that supports these behaviours are the consciousness that I have the ability and the consciousness that people are my comrades.
  • Being recognised by others is certainly something to be happy about. But it would be wrong to say that being recognised is absolutely necessary.
  • There is no need to be recognised by others. Actually, one must not seek recognition.
  • We are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations.

Disclaimer: The key points of the book presented here are not a substitute for reading the book. To get the entire holistic message the author has offered requires reading the book.

#markmobius #bookofwealth #subtleart #markmanson #subtleartofnotgivingafuck #howtowinfriends #dalecarnegie #bestseller #Bookexcerpt #Freesample #Sneakpeek #Readnow #Chapter1 #Bookpreview #Newrelease #Comingsoon #Romance #Lovestory #secondchance #forbiddenlove #smalltown #contemporaryromance #historicalromance #Mystery #Detective #thriller #suspense #
hashtag#napoleonhill hashtag#thinkandgrowrich
hashtag#5amclub hashtag#robinsharma
hashtag#sadguru hashtag#innerengineering
hashtag#sapiens
hashtag#yuvalnoahharari hashtag#yoga hashtag#karmayoga hashtag#bhaktiyoga hashtag#hathayoga
hashtag#bookexcerptsaboutlife
hashtag#longpassagesfrombooks
hashtag#greatliterarypassagestoreadaloud
hashtag#famousparagraphsfrombooks
hashtag#inspirationalexcerptsfrombooks
hashtag#descriptivepassagesfromnovels
hashtag#bestexcerptsfromclassicliterature
hashtag#beautifulpassagesfrombooks
hashtag#whatisabookpassage hashtag#Bookteaserexcerpts
hashtag#Authorssneakpeek
hashtag#Novelsnippets
hashtag#emotionalintelligence
hashtag#danielgoleman
hashtag#Literarytidbits
hashtag#Chapterpreviews
hashtag#Bookquotehighlights
hashtag#Exclusivebookpassages
hashtag#Storyglimpses
hashtag#Textteasers
hashtag#Prosepreviews
hashtag#Teaserexcerpts hashtag#Previewchapters hashtag#Exploresnippets hashtag#Samplepages hashtag#Discoverhighlights hashtag#Readasnippet hashtag#Tasteofthebook hashtag#Diveintoexcerpts hashtag#Shortreads hashtag#Getaglimpse hashtag#Quickinsights hashtag#Sneakpeek hashtag#Introductorypassages hashtag#Highlightedmoments hashtag#Chaptersnapshots hashtag#booklovers hashtag#book hashtag#bookmarketing hashtag#booklover hashtag#bookclub hashtag#bookish hashtag#bookcommunity hashtag#bookaddict hashtag#booknerd hashtag#booklaunch hashtag#booklove hashtag#bookaholic hashtag#bookblog hashtag#bookboost hashtag#reading hashtag#readingcommunity hashtag#readinglist hashtag#readingtime hashtag#readers hashtag#read hashtag#readnow hashtag#reads hashtag#readabook hashtag#readingaddict hashtag#readingbooks hashtag#readingisfun hashtag#readingjourney hashtag#readinghabits hashtag#selfdiscovery hashtag#selfcare hashtag#selfimprovement hashtag#selfhelpbooks hashtag#selfhelp hashtag#selfconfidence hashtag#selfhealingjourney hashtag#selfbelief hashtag#selfempowerment hashtag#learning hashtag#learning hashtag#learninganddevelopment hashtag#learningeveryday hashtag#learningandgrowth hashtag#growthmindset hashtag#happiness hashtag#happinessisachoice hashtag#happinessmatters hashtag#savetime hashtag#emotions hashtag#emotionalintelligence hashtag#emotionalwellbeing hashtag#emotionalwellness hashtag#emotionalhealth
hashtag#agriculture hashtag#huntergatherers hashtag#bestsellermurder

#crime #whodunit #Scifi #Spaceopera #dystopian #cyberpunk #alien #artificialintelligence #Fantasy #Epicfantasy #highfantasy #urbanfantasy #magic #mythicalcreatures #YoungAdult

#Comingofage #dystopian #adventure #friendship #Nonfiction #Selfhelp #business #history

#biography #travel #Strongfemalelead #Antihero #Relatablecharacters #Diversecast #Complexcharacters #Unforgettablecharacters #Pageturner #Unputdownable #Fastpaced #Actionpacked #Gripping #Emotional #Heartwarming #Humorous #Awardwinningauthor #Bestsellingauthor #Debutnovel #Indieauthor #Availablenow #Orderyourcopytoday

#AmazonKindle #AppleBooks #Kobo #Barnes&Noble #GooglePlay #Scribd #Bookstagram #Booktok #BookTwitter #Teaserexcerpts #Previewchapters #Exploresnippets #Samplepages #Discoverhighlights #Readasnippet #Tasteofthebook #Diveintoexcerpts #Shortreads #Getaglimpse #Quickinsights #Sneakpeek #Introductorypassages #Highlightedmoments #Chaptersnapshots #booklovers #book #bookmarketing #booklover #bookclub #bookish #bookcommunity #bookaddict #booknerd #booklaunch #booklove #bookaholic #bookblog #bookboost #reading #readingcommunity #readinglist #readingtime #readers #read #readnow #reads #readabook #readingaddict #readingbooks #readingisfun #readingjourney #readinghabits #selfdiscovery #selfcare #selfimprovement #selfhelpbooks #selfhelp #selfconfidence #selfhealingjourney #selfbelief #selfempowerment #learning #learning #learninganddevelopment #learningeveryday #learningandgrowth #growthmindset #happiness #happinessisachoice #happinessmatters #savetime #emotions #emotionalintelligence #emotionalwellbeing #emotionalwellness #emotionalhealth